Nonnie in a box

I love being a Nonnie.
It fills my heart so full that at times I feel it may just burst.
I can be in a real pity party, head banging mood, and think of my Eden and all is right with the world.

I look at her in awe. This little creature that came from my little creature. I HATE being clear on one side of the country and my Butterbean being on the other. I was spoiled while Evan was deployed; Nancy was so gracious and good to us, she would come stay with us and I would be in heaven. She would bring Butterbean into my room early in the morning and give her to me and I would have all this precious alone time.



I would tell her stories of her Daddy and tell her about all of our future shopping trips. I would tell her stories about our crazy family and all the people who are no longer here but would love her so very much. It was such a great time. I would pray every night for Evans safe return and God blessed us by bringing him back to U.S. soil.

It was time for him to be reunited with his Daughter and his wife. As long as I live, I will never forget the day I had to say goodbye to Eden. I had gotten to keep her all that last day while Nancy was in a wedding. We were at my Mom's house and Kelsey was there. We had such a great day playing with her and dressing her up, but the time finally came for Nancy to pick her up. They would be leaving for Washington.

I was not prepared for the emotions that over took me. I am so thankful my Mom was waiting for me as I turned around, she literally held me while I sobbed. A Nonnie should not have to be so far apart from her Butterbean. I slowly started focusing on the fact that she needed to be with her Mommy and Daddy, but it was very, very, hard.

Now, there they are in Washington, this little family of three, and I have become Nonnie in a box.  We facetime almost every other night and Butterbean just acts as if it is the most normal thing in the world. Actually, she mostly ignores me unless Poppie is in the box, then she is transfixed and all googoo eyed.  I have gotten to see their beautiful apartment, and I get to see their sweet, gorgeous faces, and it is a wonderful thing.

I do worry though, that when we do get out there to visit, will she scream in fright at seeing us outside of the box??   Oh, the trials of a Nonnie....

Help, I am stuck

So, the journey continues into the world of menopause.
Yep, I said it OUT LOUD and who really gives a flip. I guarantee that if you are a girl , woman, or have a vagina, you too will get here. I will start praying for you now, if you sign your name to the bottom of this post. I dare you.
 
My body seems to have a mind of its own these days, somewhere between Madonna and Bea Arthur; I mean that energy wise. Some days I jump out of bed ready to conquer the day and all that could possibly be in it; I can hit the park and walk almost 3 miles, come home and clean top to bottom, and still be going strong at midnight. Oh yes, going strong as in RESTLESS legs, no sleep, mind going in a thousand directions and kicking the covers completely off the bed, fan on highest speed, and my sweet GT guy never complains. Sometimes I want to beat him. Then other days it takes every single ounce of muscle just to get me up. Walking to the bathroom feels like the walk to the electric chair.
 
As crazy as my physical moods are my emotions are off the richter scale. I can cry watching golf. Road Rage is daily emotion. There are way too many idiots on the road..... or maybe there are too many menopausal women on the road. The hot flashes, the mood swings, the thought that your reproductive parts are shriveling up to raisins (that was an exact quote from my Dr) while your husband remains fertile till death, is bad enough, but the fact that you start putting on weight in places you NEVER had a problem is just down right annoying as ......you get the picture.
I eat half of what I used to, I walk miles every week, I drink gallons of water, I pass on the nightly glass of wine, and that darn scale lies to me viciously every single morning. I know it is lying because there is no way I weigh what it says I weigh. NO WAY.
 
I had a good day not too long ago, I had actually slept through the night, woke up normal and not a sweaty mess, had good energy. Took a shower, did my hair and make up, put on a cute outfit, felt really good about myself. One of those days where you feel thinner than normal; a good, good, day. I took myself to the North Georgia Outlets where I found an adorable denim dress at The Loft. I picked out my size and proceeded to the dressing room. I quickly realized stepping into the dress was not an option, so here it went over my head. Well, I was horrified to find it was not going down over my boobs. Knowing that the next option was a SIZE bigger; I totally went into denial. I tugged and pulled till I had worked up a sweat and got the darn thing at least over my boobs. BIG MISTAKE!
 
The dress would neither go down any further, nor would it go back up any further. I was mortified!!!!!!!! I was stuck in a dress in a dressing room. I thought about calling Michael to come and bring scissors, but even that was enough to make me want to just fake my death right then and there. I finally laid on the floor (my feet were sticking out of the dressing room) and wiggled and prayed my way out of the dress. Then I calmly put my clothes back on and walked proudly out. When the sales girl asked how did it do, I very loudly proclaimed it was too BIG. ← True story.

I am dedicating my body to science. I am sure they will be just as baffled as I am.

Eleven years .....

Oh how I miss you!
Sitting here with your Great Granddaughter lying beside me, I remember the joy you had when Evan and Kelsey were born. How you would come over every day to see them, always insisting I go take a nap and you would take care of the baby! I think of how you would adore this little one, she looks so much like "pal".

I miss the simple things, the daily phone call that I took for granted, the way you would laugh till you had tears in your eyes, the way you would throw random facts of history at us when we had Sunday dinner, then shake your head in disappointment when we didn't know the answer. I miss your stories, some I had heard a thousand times, but would give anything to hear them just once more. I miss your voice, that calm, strong, voice, always reassuring me.

Our family has grown since you have been gone. We have so many new and wonderful people that we have three tables instead of just one, but to me there is always something missing. I often times can look to your seat at the head of the table and still picture you there. Eleven years is a long time, they say time eases the pain of loosing someone, but it still hurts just as deeply today as it did that March afternoon, I just tuck it away better.

I think of you in heaven and the joy you must have there. I see you dancing with Cindy and running throwing a football and shaking your head in awe at all the unanswered questions being answered. I found it ironic that Elizabeth Taylor died on your birthday last year, I imagine you thought she was a birthday gift. I always see you young and healthy and cancer free. I bet you were in shock when you met your heart donor... oh how I would have loved to have seen that!! Makes me laugh thinking about it. What a special young lady that was!!! She gave us almost 11 bonus years with you!!

I think you would be proud of me, I stumble sometimes but I always get back up, even when I didn't want to. I like to believe you had a part in sending me Michael, he is so much like you!! I dreamed about you the other night and in my dream you had on a GT ball cap, I think that was your way of letting me know you approve...

I promise this little angel of a Granddaughter will know all about you. I smiled as I whispered in her ear the other day that the mighty oak tree was once just a tiny nut like her...
Love you Daddy, miss you every day.
Delta Dawn

Elcie, Delcie, SunRae turns 21

My baby girl is turning twenty-one in a few days. I remember so clearly the day she was born, I had my little boy and now a baby girl, one of each! She was a precious baby with a rose bud mouth and full cheeks, it was like having a real live baby doll. When she was around a year and a half I noticed that she seemed to always be talking to herself, laughing out loud in her crib and in her own language having complete conversations with someone. I used to tell people she was talking to her angels. When she was around two we got the name of the first 'angel', it was Michael Jackson. No kidding... she would insist that I feed Michael Jackson and that I talk to him as well, one time I accidentally shut the car door on Michael Jackson and we both almost ended up in life long therapy. I would get so stressed out, thinking there must be something wrong with her, looking back I think that was just the silliness of a young Mother. Soon, Michael Jackson had a friend, she called this one Tommy, it was bad enough worrying about overlooking MJ but now I had Tommy as well. Our family was growing... we all took it in stride, her brother even asked about them on a regular basis and her Ooh Mom and Pop Pop would always act as if this was completely normal. Well, one day she informed me that there was a third!! I thought at this point we may be kicked out of the Mom's day out program, after all I was only paying for one... and Lord only knows how much I needed that Mom's day out!! The third was named MacGyver. Now, I have no idea where she came up with MJ at two or Tommy but I am pretty sure I know where she got the name MacGyver since that was her brothers favorite TV program. Life settled into a routine with my adorable baby girl and her three side kicks. The only time she ever pitched a major fit in public was at the grocery store one day when she said that MJ ate all her animal crackers... that was the only time I know that she ever got upset with any of them, most of the time she was laughing and grinning, even in her sleep. I do believe with all my heart they were Angels. For whatever reason, and I hope one day to know, she needed them to be physically with her. She also had this babydoll she carried everywhere till one day the head split open and there was no repair, so she was OK with carrying just babydoll's dress. She would put her two middle fingers in her mouth and have the corner of the doll dress wrapped around her thumb. One day we were in the front yard, Kelsey and her brother were riding around in his firetruck, Evan driving, her with her babydoll dress and passengers, her Daddy and I were washing the car; when from no where the most beautiful golden retriever I have ever seen came heading down our street right toward the fire truck. I had no time to re-act, the dog just grabbed the babydoll dress (leaving just a tear of fabric) from Kelsey and took off back up the street. Her Daddy tried to find the dog but we NEVER saw it again. Kelsey seemed to be in some type of three year old shock. The next morning, (and I swear this is a true story) I went into her room to say good morning and get her up and as always I said good morning to the three tag-a-longs as well. Kelsey looked me straight in the eye and said, “its OK Mommy they had to go away”. She never spoke of them again. She to this day has no recollection of them. At first I thought I was living the twilight zone, but I soon had such a peace about it, I knew they had a purpose to love and comfort my child and that their work was done. Kelsey has always been very spiritual, she loves deeply, and she is so brave, she has had her share of hurts and disappointments in her 21 years, but she has handled them with grace and beauty. As a mother, there have been times when I would pray that if I could not protect her or be with her, please Lord, send MJ, Tommy and MacGyver. I am sure that He has.... and will again. She is my daughter, she is my friend, she is someone I know will tell me the truth whether I want to hear it or not. She has made me laugh, she has made me cry, she has made me madder than a wet cat, but oh how she has brought me joy!!! Kelsey, Elsie, Delcie, SunRae, I am so very honored that God blessed me to be your Mother.
Happy Birthday!!!

Remember when?

I went to the bonus daughter’s chorus concert at her high school tonight. It made me reminisce about my high school days, oh so long ago. You know back in the days of no cell phones, no texting, not even call waiting, no iPad, no computer, no kindle, no iPod.... geez how on earth did we do it? Texting in those days were the notes hand written in class and passed in the hall, there was no lol, but there were plenty of bffs. I would sit by the phone praying that either it would ring, or that my Mom would finally hang up so that I could use it. We would spend hours TALKING, you know voice to voice... you could actually tell if the person you were talking to was happy or sad; you got the context of their words. Music was played on the stereo, real Albums, and even 45's..... I remember buying 10 at a time at Richway, and when Turtles (record store) came along  it was heaven! There was no microwave, my family sat down at the table every night for a dinner that my Mom cooked, most of the time with friends or an Uncle or two joining us. There was no blue ray, VCR, and lord how did we live without cable or reality TV? Either I was really naive or there simply wasn't the nastiness of mean girls like there is today. I mean, I remember jealousy and some cattiness here and there, but nothing like what goes on today. I enjoyed high school; I met fantastic people in high school. I even graduated with one that would become the love of my life. We did not have Facebook or Twitter and although I am glad we didn't, I do appreciate it now because it has brought many of those fantastic people back into my life. Would we all have been the same? I doubt it, and even without all the fabulous technology around today, I still think we had the glory days... I would much rather have my first ‘I love you’ be by voice rather than by text.....just saying.

There is such a thing......

He is kind, he is smart, he is important.
He is my husband, Michael.

To many he is quiet, serious, a mystery of sorts, the guy behind the camera. I wish everyone could know him as I know him, he is everything a Mother dreams a son will be. He is very smart, very successful, can be intimidating when needed. He is also compassionate, a man strong in his faith, with a heart big as Texas. He has never failed to open the car door for me, never missed a morning of kissing me goodbye. He has given me a card on every seventeenth since our wedding day. He lets me be me, with all my faults and craziness, he has never tried to change a thing. He encourages me daily. With him in my life I get it...
He is an amazing photographer, and I love watching him do his thing. His career is demanding right now but one day, I pray he can use his talent and love for photography full time. This wonderful man has become Dad to my children, although grown, they love him and respect him tremendously. He is Poppi to our precious Ede; and watching him with her just makes me fall in love with him over and over. He has the corniest jokes ever, but makes me laugh every time. He is competitive to a fault. He is fearless in protecting those he loves. I learned very early to only ask if you want the truth. He is tall and handsome and sexy. I love the fact that at 51 he is taking guitar lessons. There is nothing he will not try and he has got me out of my comfort zone more than once, but then again I have put him in a few awkward adventures myself.
I was surviving before Michael, he has taught me to live. There is nothing I can not tell him, I trust him with every ounce of my being, I know without a doubt that he always has my back, and that is such an incredible feeling. This man, this wonderful, wonderful man, I am so blessed God brought him to my life.
Thank You , Michael, for making my dreams come true.
I love you.

Timing is everything...

I can't believe I have lived here in Sugarville for a year and a half. Seems like yesterday I was moving in.... so many big changes crammed into my life in such a short amount of time. I often wonder in awe at God's timing.

I married Michael six months after my divorce was final. I took some open criticism for that, even lost a friend over it. I know there were whispers that I was just re-bounding and I even was accused of being a "gold-digger". I even questioned myself, calling off the wedding a time or two, thinking that this was too good to be true, I should wait it out, wait for the bubble to burst. I had never had someone to love me the way Michael loves me. I have never known trust the way; I trust him with my heart, my soul, my body, my mind.

God knew without a shadow of a doubt, we needed each other. Michael can be quiet, very quiet. He was never that way with me... I on the other hand will talk to the wall, and often do find myself talking to myself out loud. He was a single parent raising his three teenagers and had put his life on hold. On paper, everything about us is not compatible; I doubt anyone would have ever put us together, and yet, God did.

I can't imagine a life without him now. We laugh and wonder why God did not put us together way back in high school. We hardly knew each other. Another funny thing is out of all our class reunions, I only missed the ones he was at, and vise versa. God's timing.....

Did I deserve this? I know some people search their whole life only to never find true love. For months after we were married I felt as if I did not deserve this life with Michael. I hated moving so far away from friends and family. I sometimes hated being a stepmom. I missed my house and my pets tremendously. I would constantly question Michael; ask if he was going to leave me one day. I am surprised and amazed at the Man’s patience, but mostly I am amazed at God's timing, and how he works through us and teaches us each and every day.

I am a different person since marrying Michael. I am much stronger; I do not hide behind my shadow any longer. I love deeper, and I enjoy the little things so much more. I will no longer try to make someone like me. Most of my family would say that I am calmer; I can see how I was desperate, crazy at times, but I can also see clearly why I was that way. God brought me through the storm but he was teaching me without me even my knowing. He continues to teach me, and I have a lot to learn.

Life in Sugarville is not always perfect, but it sure is sweet. I have kept a journal since I was 16 years old, and when I look back and read through some of the most difficult times in my life, I always see clearly how everything works together for a reason. It may not have a perfect ending, it may have at the time been devastating, but always there was a reason and God's timing. An example, my father was at hospice; I had to work and planned on going straight from work to the Hospice. On this particular day, I got into a very hurtful argument with a co-worker; so upsetting that I left work. I cried all the way to the hospice wondering, why be so mean to me now at the most difficult time of my life? Had I not had that argument, had I not left work when I did, I would not have been holding my Daddy's hand when he passed away... God's timing. How ironic, this person I was so mad at, actually led me to the greatest gift.

So... here I am, my time in Sugarville. I know he has me here for a reason, and I just hope I am serving him well. We have plans to move in a year when the youngest graduates High School.... I can't wait to look back a year from now and see what God's plans were........